Have you had trouble sleeping lately? Are you feeling endangered? Have your muscles been sore and tense? Do you find yourself sitting in a cafe in the middle on a Wednesday night alone at closing time? Have you tried masturbating and not having much success? Want to masturbate while sexting, with a girl, or on the go but need to learn some techniques first? Do you know that my new book, The Jerking It Chronicles: Revelations, will teach you some new and exciting ways to masturbate?
The book even comes with a special tube of lube and MrePrettyLee Smell-B-Gone, which can be applied directly onto human skin. The world is changing, and you (yes you,the one sitting there reading this crap) need to get caught up with the latest trends.
The first thing you need to know is that everything you know about masturbation is a lie. Yes, confirmed, your parents are liars, checkmate adults. If you believe any of the following myths, then you are behind on the latest trends.
It does not..:
…cause your hair to grow on the palms of hands or other strange places.
…lead to blindness.
…stunt physical growth.
…result in mental illness or instability.
…make you gay.
Raised in a Catholic home, most of us were afraid we’d fall into a burning pit of hell just for cursing. The kids in my schoolyard would make up stories about the eight circles of hell and who they thought would end up where.
All of those misconceptions started when things like masturbation and keeping your front door open were deemed to be negative. Thankfully, there is a new educated generation, and we all are proud to admit we often join in the wanking!
On a more serious note, masturbation is a fun and stress relieving exercise
It can improve how well you sleep, increase self-esteem, and teach you how to touch yourself in a way that is extremely pleasurable. How can you be expected to have great sex if you do not know how to tell your partner what you want? She or he cannot read your mind.
Like most people, I just tugged on it hard when I first saw a penis. So hard, I thought it might fall off. The lack of knowledge I had back then and how inadequate it made me feel inspired me to create The Jerking It Chronicles: Revelations some years later.
It took me a few years of blind experimentation before I learned all the ways to spank it, shake it, and put it in the right holes.
Here are some tips if you want to masturbate while sexting, with a guy, a girl, yourself or anyone (thing) else for that matter!
Women/Men (Ahem, Guys take notes):
• A little humming goes a long way.
• The balls are in your court, use them.
• It is like a joystick. Grab it with both hands and shake it around.
Women/Women (Guys take a few notes):
• Play with the button.
• Fingers first, tongue second.
• Always take a deep whiff. Vanilla and cream, perfect. Dead fish and hot garbage, run.
Do you know why all the dinosaurs died? It is because you touch yourself at night. That conversation with my father etched itself into my brain and was another inspiration for all my crazy rants.
This IMAGINARY book, along with all your repressed hopes and dreams, can only be found inside of my head. Please do not bother any of the admins/workers over an obviously fake product that is meant only to make you smile and not take life so seriously.
Live a more positive lifestyle, wank often! If you want to masturbate with a girl, Arousr has some sexy hot girls to assist you.